I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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