Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
