Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
