I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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