So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
