my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
