If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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