Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
