She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
