just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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