In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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