I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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