I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Randomize
