I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
