Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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