somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
