I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
