oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
