I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
