The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
