Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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