I want to have your abortion
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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