all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
