If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
