I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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