if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
