I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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