Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
