i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
