i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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