Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
being pregnant is like rehab
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
