wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
