So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
