my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
