my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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