I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
