yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
