I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
