judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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