I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
