I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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