Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm both gender and math confused
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
