His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
