evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
