I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
