I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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