DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
