idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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