Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I won't apologize to a one balled man
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
