Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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