i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
