and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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