I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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